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How can a person know everything at 18, but nothing at 22?

Four years ago, I had to make a really important choice that would decide how my life would turn out. It felt like I was at a crossroads, with different paths I could take. One path was familiar and safe, like sticking to what I already knew. The other path was more exciting and unknown, offering new adventures but also more challenges. As I stood there, it felt like it was more than just a choice, it was a defining moment that would carve out the chapters of my life story. Little did I know how this decision would set the stage for the journey that unfolded in the years to come.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been a dreamer. I had so many things I wanted to be. I can still remember one of my earliest dreams: to be a pilot. I loved watching planes soar across the sky, and the idea of being the one behind the controls fascinated me. Then there was a time when I wanted to be a scientist. During my grade school days, my teachers always praised me for actively participating in our science class. I was fascinated by learning how the human body works, understanding what goes on inside a cell, discovering how mountains are formed, and unraveling the mysteries of how planets behave.

In middle school, another dream sparked in me: to become a teacher. I found joy in standing in front of the class, passionately explaining lessons to my classmates. I'd spend hours and days carefully curating my presentation materials, aiming for mine to stand out among the rest. The idea of sharing knowledge and helping others understand complex topics resonated with me. It was more than just presenting information; it was about making learning engaging and memorable.

But amidst these dreams, another curiosity ignited within me – a fascination with technology. Since childhood, I enjoyed tinkering with our then-Pentium PC, experimenting with anything I could get my hands on. I'd spend hours delving into the system, tweaking settings, even if I didn't fully grasp what some of them meant. As smartphones became prevalent, my fascination only grew. I would spend countless hours scrutinizing everything, from the device's settings to its hardware, and meticulously arranging how my phone would look.

Having all these dreams may sound exciting, but the reality is, it can be challenging to pursue many aspirations at once. As I approached Senior High School, the difficulty of this reality became clear. I found myself having a hard time deciding whether to pursue the Humanities and Social Sciences strand, dive into Science, Technology, and Mathematics, or opt for the General Academic Strand.

Eventually, I made the decision to go for the Information and Communication Technology (ICT) strand. However, our school only had one major under ICT, which was Medical Transcription. It was a realization that came later than I expected. Despite this, in 11th Grade, our adviser went above and beyond. He dedicated his Saturdays to teach us basic HTML and CSS, even though it was beyond his usual teaching duties. Reflecting on it now, I realize that what I learned about HTML and CSS in those early sessions was just the tip of the iceberg. Nevertheless, these basics sparked a deep fascination and a strong desire within me to craft visually appealing websites. I found joy in enhancing the aesthetics of text, playing with the colors of webpage elements, and formatting them to create the exact look and feel I envisioned. This hands-on experience ignited a passion for web development, laying the foundation for my journey into the captivating world of coding and design.

Soon, I would conclude my Senior High School journey on a high note. I not only graduated at the top of my class but also unexpectedly secured a spot in the Top 10 of our batch. It was a unique achievement as the only student from Technical-Vocational strand that school year to ever make into the list. Adding to the surprises, my team won the "Best Researchers" title for our research project. That year was 2019, and I was only 17. At the time, I felt like I'm on top of my world.

Adding to my achievements, I received an email from PUP Taguig confirming my success in the PUPCET. On the day of the exam, I honestly didn't anticipate being among the fortunate few chosen from thousands of students across different cities. Yet, against the odds, I made it. It was one of the last times I felt a genuine sense of hope and optimism about what the future held for me.

But with that triumph, a significant decision loomed ahead— the very choice I hinted at in the beginning of this journal. Should I pursue my passion in English language and education, or should I follow my curiosity and fascination with technology and go for Information Technology? I would spend my next few days and nights weighing between two choices. I was aware that once I made a choice, there would be no turning back, and the path I selected would significantly shape the course of my future. Ultimately, I made the decision to embrace the path that appeared more adventurous and challenging: the world of Information Technology.

With this decision, I envisioned myself, four years from that moment — in 2023 — holding a degree in Information Technology. Excitedly, I shared my vision with four friends who also aced the PUPCET, foreseeing us as teammates once again, the same team that was hailed as "Best Researchers" back in High School— this time collaborating on our Capstone Project. I told myself I would achieve to be consistently be part of Dean's and President's Lister, and that I would graduate with Latin Honors. It was a pact I made with myself, ensuring that I had my own back, and that my friends were right there with me in this shared journey.

At the age of 17, I carried with me not just high hopes and dreams but also a touch of naivety that often accompanies such a young age. I felt likeI knew everything. I thought I had figured it all out.I've planned my life in the next four years, expecting everything to unfold according to my carefully crafted "plan." But soon, life would show me it doesn't always work that way.

A few weeks into college, doubts began to creep in. It was the first time I encountered difficulty in grasping certain concepts, particularly in computing and programming. Back in High School, numbers and mathematics has always been my kryptonite. I was never excellent at them. This difficulty was one of the reasons why I was having doubts in choosing the IT course, as I mentioned earlier. I observed a decline in my mental health, influenced by a variety of reasons, notably personal and family-related challenges that I won't delve into details about. It seemed as if everything was conspiring against my life. To cut a long story short, I had to temporarily pause my college journey to take a much-needed break.

I reassured myself that the break would be brief, planning to return as soon as possible. However, life took an unexpected turn when the global pandemic unfolded. The challenges I faced were not only personal but now intertwined with the collective struggles of the world. As the pandemic swept across the globe, it disrupted plans and shifted priorities. The uncertainty of the times made it difficult to predict when and how normalcy would return. Amid these unprecedented circumstances, my goal of quickly returning to college became more complex.

This is where everything started to truly went downhill. On top of problems I wouldn't want to talk about, the realization hit me that transitioning into adulthood at 18, all while being confined to my house for months and eventually a year, would be one of the most horrifying experiences to ever happen to me. Each passing day felt like a year of my youth slipping away.

The routine of being confined and the uncertainty about the future took a toll on my mental well-being. It felt strange and lonely, like I was missing out on what should have been an exciting time in my life. Time seemed to pass in a weird way, and the dreams and plans I used to have felt far away and hard to reach because of what was happening in the world. I began distancing myself from friends and people around me. I felt like an imposter, as if all the accomplishments from my high school days were just illusions. The realization started to sink in that perhaps, I wasn't the 'smart kid' my friends and family believed me to be. And from that point forward, what followed were the darkest months of my life. The weight of self-doubt and the uncertainty of the future became overwhelming.

In late 2021, as the world began to slowly recover from the pandemic, I made the decision to return to college. However, unlike the first time, which was filled with hope and optimism, this time it felt like stepping into a different reality. The experiences of the past months had changed me. The once clear and straightforward path now seemed clouded with uncertainty. In the first few months of coming back to the academic world, I've really struggled. It was the first time I attended classes in online class, and the truth is that learning in this manner was incredibly challenging for me. The absence of face-to-face interaction and the shift to a digital environment made it harder for me to grasp concepts. The struggle was real, and adapting to this new mode of education added an extra layer of difficulty to my already complex journey back to college.

I remember spending my whole days trying to grasp fundamental programming concepts like arrays, pointers, and recursions. Despite my persistent efforts, I still grappled with confusion and difficulties in fully understanding them. In this challenging journey, I found myself alone, with no one to turn to but myself. There were moments of breakdowns, especially when I couldn't complete some of the Programming 1&2 exercises. At those times, doubt crept in, and I questioned if choosing this course was a mistake. Perhaps, I thought, I wasn't good enough. The dreams I had as a child, ones I was truly passionate about— science, language, and philosophy— echoed in my mind. During these struggles, the thought lingered: maybe I should have pursued those dreams instead. The path I had chosen seemed rocky, and I yearned for the clarity and confidence I once felt when envisioning a future aligned with my childhood passions.

Despite the hardships and the inner voices urging me to shift and veer away from the world of IT, I continued. I successfully completed all my courses in the first year, achieving grades that while not straight 1.0s, felt more than satisfactory for me. However, I soon learned that as a returning student, all the honors I could have as a student would be ineligible. All those President's and Dean's Lister lists and all those Latin Honors I once envisioned are now out of reach. As someone who had been showered with academic certificates and recognitions throughout my entire life, the truth is that it was a hard reality to accept. Reflecting on this, I came to realize that I had based much of my self-validation on those achievements. The danger in doing so became evident when they were suddenly gone, leaving me to question: what happens next when the familiar validations no longer define who I am?

Gradually, I started to convince myself that my worth isn't determined by some papers or titles. Most days, I would genuinely believed in this perspective. However, there were nights, much like this one, where even the most optimistic voices in my head couldn't drown out the echoes of doubt and insecurities. Maybe because it was never the prize or the title itself, but maybe I was mourning the dreams of my once 18-year-old self that now lies in the underground.

My journey as an IT student this year isn't without struggles and hardships, but as we shifted to face-to-face classes, I soon encountered people who made my journey feel more bearable and uplifting. I also noticed a positive shift in my engagement with academic tasks. The encouragement and collaborative spirit of the face-to-face setting played a significant role in reigniting my motivation. However, it's essential to acknowledge that the journey isn't consistently smooth. They never are. There are still days when doubts resurface, casting shadows on the progress I've made.

Reflecting on the past, over four years ago, most of the things I envisioned for myself, where I thought I would be right now, have turned out to be quite different from reality. Life's journey has taken unexpected turns, presenting challenges and opportunities that I could not have foreseen. I've stumbled countless times, so many that I've lost count. Yet, despite the difficulty, I've pick myself back up over the years. I have to. It's a responsibility I carry alone, as no one else can do it for me.

I won't romanticize or create a motivational narrative about the challenges I've faced in recent years. Those were some of the darkest moments of my life, and I would never suggest that anyone 'needs' to go through similar struggles in order to persist. The truth is that sometimes, I feel like I'm still stuck with the shadows of the distant past. There are moments when I feel like the 18-year-old version of myself, just before the pandemic reshaped our lives. I catch glimpses of myself lingering around the corners of my high school classrooms, in the echoes of laughter of friendship circles in the campus, thinking about my friends who have now graduated while I am still here, left behind. The once "smart kid" that was always ahead of almost everyone, now finally fell behind. When I was a kid, my biggest fear was that one day, I'll just be an "average" person. Now, that fear is realized. I'm no longer the best, just okay.

Now, at the age of 22, there are times when I wish I could go back to my 18-year-old self and offer guidance about the challenges that lay ahead. I would advise him never to take a break from college, to stay connected with his friends, and to dive into the world of programming sooner rather than later. But before I could probably do that, I would break down in tears as I witness my old hopeful self plan for his future. I don't know if I'll have the guts to confront him the truth that no, he wouldn't graduate in 2023. No, he wouldn't be with his friends for their Capstone Project. No, he would never be part of the Dean's or President's Lister, or any Latin honors like he'd hoped for. I wish I could provide him with a foolproof guide on exactly what to do and what to avoid to prevent these disappointments. Unfortunately, I can't. and that's a reality I would have to come terms with.

But if there's one thing I wouldn't advise him to change, it's choosing this course. He dreamed of obtaining a degree in Information Technology and crafting beautiful websites. We both shared that dream— it was the only one he had left now. And as his future self, I would do everything I can to rock that graduation cap. I am well aware that the challenges ahead will only intensify, and the journey won't be a stroll in the park. Yet, I owe this to my 18-year-old self, the one who once aspired for the moon and stars.

I might not be the best programmer out there, even far from it, but I am determined to make the most of this journey. The dreams that began in the echoes of his hope still resonate in my heart, serving as a determination in this rocky journey. With each line of code and every hurdle overcome, I am not just coding for a degree; I am coding to honor the spirit of resilience and determination that my younger self embraced. It's a promise to that hopeful 18-year-old, a pledge to chase those dreams and make them a reality, one line of code at a time.

Written by Emmanuel Martinez